Trust

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Trust

Post by mr.banker on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:39 am

What is trust?

Trust is:

* Letting
others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the
confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.


*Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.


*Placing
confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of
you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.


* Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.


*The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.


*The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.


*The
ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a
relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and
concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.


*The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.


*Opening
yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns,
and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you
because of these things.

*The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.



Why do people have trouble developing trust in others?

People have trouble developing trust if they have:



*Experienced a great deal of emotional and/or physical abuse and/or neglect.


*Been chronically put down for the way they feel or for what they believe.


*Been emotionally hurt in the past and are not willing to risk getting hurt in the future.


*Had problem relationships in the past where they were belittled, misunderstood, or ignored.


*Experienced
the loss of a loved one through death. They can get so caught up in
unresolved grief that they are unable to open themselves up to others,
fearing they will be left alone again due to death, or, abandonment.


*Experienced
a hostile or bitter divorce, separation, or end of a relationship. They
may be unable to believe anyone who opens up to them in a new,
committed relationship.


*Been reared in or have lived in an environment emotionally and/or physically unpredictable and volatile.

*Experienced
a great deal of pain at the hands of another. Even if the other finally
recognizes and accepts the responsibility to change such behavior, the
person fears that if they let their guard down, the pain and hurt will
begin again.


*Low self-esteem and cannot believe that they
are deserving of the attention, care, and concern of anyone. They have
problems even trusting the positive, healthy, and reinforcing behavior
of another who is sincere.


*Experienced a great deal of
non-provoked victimization in their lives. They are unwilling to trust
people, situations, or institutions for fear of being victimized again.



What are some beliefs of people who have problems trusting?

*I have been hurt too much in the past, and I refuse to be hurt again now or in the future!


*People are out to get all they can from you, so avoid them to survive!


*As soon as you let your guard down, you will be stepped on again!


*No one is to be trusted!


*You always get hurt by the ones you love!


*I get no respect from anyone!


*All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted!


*Everyone is out to get me!


*I am never successful in picking partners, so why try again!


*As soon as you care and open up to someone, they will always leave you!


*Marriage is the pits!

*There is no such thing as a healthy relationship!


*You can never let your guard down because all hell will break loose!


*All reformations are short-lived!


*If
I give in and believe you have truly changed, relaxing my defenses, I
am most certainly going to be hurt again once you backslide!


*There is no such thing as change in behavior. It is only manipulation by others to get their way with you!



*Everyone is out to get as much as they can out of you!


*There is no such thing as a fair employer, generous company, or supportive work place!


*It is better to live alone for the rest of my life than to risk being hurt as I was!


*I will never let you know my true feelings again since, if I do open up, I'm afraid you will use them against me to hurt me!
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Re: Trust

Post by mr.banker on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:41 am

What behavioral traits do people need in order to develop trust?

People need to develop the following behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs in order to develop trust:

Hope
in the goodness of mankind: Without such hope people can become
emotionally stuck, reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a
change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not
evil, bad, or ill-willed.

Faith in the fairness of life: This
faith in fairness is similar to the ``boomerang belief,'' that what you
throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if
people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive
similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an
attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable.
They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually
``get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway later in this life or
in the next.

Belief in a power greater than yourself: This is
the acceptance of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and
knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience,
whatever you will encounter in life. Rather than believing that you are
100% in control of your destiny, belief in this spiritual power enables
you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you
accept God's will in your life and enables you to let go of your
distrust and isolation from others. If God is in control of the
universe, you can lighten your load and let God do some of the leading
in your life. `"Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.



A healing environment: This is the creating of a
trust bond with the significant others in your personal life where
blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode the
participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy
communication to resolve problems and issues. The participants are then
willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past
hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.

Reduction
of a sense of competition: This reducing of competition, jealousy, and
defensiveness with significant others in your life is a way to reduce
the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological
barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual
trust.

Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts: Your disclosing
of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack
of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or
misunderstanding between you and the significant others in your life.
This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on
obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask
of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know
yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is
unreal or hidden.

Taking a risk to be open to others: This
enables you to become a real person to others. It is an essential
behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the
establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you
have to draw as the relationship develops.




Becoming vulnerable: This enables you to be hurt by others who know
your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in
trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a
gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you
for who you really are rather than for who they want you to be. In
order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be
vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust
development.

Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions
with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can
immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection, fear of
failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of
the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of
trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given
appropriate attention and remedial action.

Self-acceptance:
Accepting who you are and what your potential is an important step in
letting down your guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with
others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to
accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation
necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program
of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.
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Re: Trust

Post by mr.banker on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:41 am

What steps can be taken to improve trust building?

Step 1: Read the material in this section and answer the following questions in your journal:

a.
Am I lacking trust in persons, groups, or institutions? If yes, in
which persons, groups, or institutions do I lack trust? How does this
lack of trust manifest itself? This lack of trust looks like:

b. Why do I lack trust in the persons, groups, or institutions listed in ``a?''

c. What beliefs do I hold that are behind my lack of trust in the persons, groups, or institutions listed in ``a?''

d.
What new behavior trait(s) do I need to acquire or develop in order to
develop trust in the person, group, or institution listed in ``a?''

Step
2: Now you should have a good idea of where your lack of trust lies.
Why is this so? To change some beliefs and to remediate this situation:

a.
Take the beliefs in Step 1c and use the Tools for Personal Growth
``refuting Irrational Beliefs'' model to get replacement beliefs. Let
go of the old beliefs.

b. Take the new behavior listed in Step
1d, and use the Self-affirmation process in Tools for Personal Growth
to make the new beliefs real for you.

Step 3: Once you have let go of your irrational
beliefs and have begun affirming new personal beliefs, try one or both
of the following exercises to assist your development of trust:

a.
Letter writing: To a person you have problems trusting, write a letter
listing your reasons for the lack of trust, list the feelings and
beliefs that block your trust, and ask the person to understand and
assist you in this problem. Tell the person what you are willing to do
and to commit to in order to change this situation. Also, tell the
person what you are unwilling to do because of your personal integrity.
Once you have written the letter you have three choices: (1) send it,
(2) save it, or (3) rip it up and throw it away. No matter what your
choice is, you have spent the time to think out this problem and have
identified your feelings, beliefs, and the behavior involved. You have
cleared your own ``air waves,'' even if you never send the letter.

b.
Trust walk: Ask the individual you have been having problems trusting
to share at least ninety minutes together. During this time you and the
person will each take thirty minute turns being "blinded'' with a cloth
and led by the "sighted'' person on a walk in a park, mall,
neighborhood, or building. The sighted person must give clear, precise
verbal instructions and must not hold on to or grab the "blinded''
person. The ``blinded'' person is allowed only to hold on to the left
upper or lower arm or elbow of the "sighted'' person. The "blinded''
person can ask as many questions as needed. The "blinded'' person does
not determine the route of the walk. The "sighted'' guide determines
the route and destination of this walk. At the end of the first thirty
minute walk, the two people exchange roles and blindfold and proceed
with the second part of the walk for another thirty minutes.
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Re: Trust

Post by mr.banker on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:42 am

When both parties have played both roles, they should spend at least another thirty minutes discussing:

(1) How comfortable was I in trusting you?

(2) How comfortable was I in the "sighted'' role?

(3) How comfortable was I in the "blinded'' role?

(4) How important was mutual trust in making the trust-walk successful?

(5) What were my feelings as I was being blindfolded?

(6) What were my feelings as the "sighted'' guide?

(7) How clear were my verbal instructions for you?

(Cool How could I have improved my guidance?

(9) How willing were you to accept my guidance?

(10) What does this experience tell us about our trust of one another?

(11) What does this experience tell me about my fear of loss of personal control?

(12) What does this experience tell us about changes we need to make to develop mutual trust?

(13) How willing are we to take a trust-walk once a month or until we have established a healthy level of trust in one another?

(14) What are the remaining blocks to developing a sense of trust between us?

(15) What are we willing to do to continue developing our sense of trust?

Step
4: If after completing Steps 1, 2, and 3 you still have problems
developing trust in a person, group, or institution, return to Step 1
and begin again.

How to Trust Others

People can be cruel
and past hurts can scar. The ability to trust others after a lifetime
of damage or betrayal can be hard but it can be done with some soul
searching and heart mending.

Instructions


Step1
Look
for the good. Having been hurt in the past people, tend to look for the
bad in other people. Mistrust is hard to move past, but if you force
yourself to find the good in people in general you will be able to find
it in those closest to you.

Step2
Communicate with those you
love. Talk openly with the people you want to be close to and trust. Be
honest with your loved ones and they will be honest with you.

Step3
Say
goodbye to fear. The fear of being wronged in the future facilitates
the mistrust you feel. Ignore the fears you are feeling about being
abandoned, cheated, lied to and having your trust shattered. In order
to trust others, you must foster a relationship devoid of fears due to
what you have gone through in the past.



Step4
Love yourself. By looking into your reasons for not being able
to trust others, and replaying the events that led to your mistrust,
you will be able to triumph over letting these things happen again. Pay
close attention to your memories and list the characteristics of those
who hurt you. Instead of projecting these characteristics onto every
new person in your life, you will be able to find the trust-worthy
qualities in them instead.


Step5
Trust one person at a
time. If you have been severely hurt by someone's actions in the past,
it can be hard to trust others. Force yourself to go beyond your
comfort zone and choose one person at a time to put your trust in. They
may not all deserve your trust, but to stop trusting is to stop living
and loving.


Step6
Nurture trust. Take pride in the fact
that people in your life trust you. It is an honor, and should be
treated as such. If you actively nurture the trust you have been given
you will see that others will return it. Trust others, and they will
trust you.
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