How to Have a Healthy Relationship

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How to Have a Healthy Relationship

Post by mr.banker on Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:12 am

How to Have a Healthy Relationship

There
are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship,
many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have
a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.

Steps:
1.
Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Accept
yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself first. Take good care of
yourself. If you really want, you CAN always find something to do that
makes you feel good about yourself right now. Love yourself, so pursue
your true needs. Light up your true desires. Ask yourself why you
didn't? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and
blames their partner for making them that way. Your life is ONLY under
your control. Keep reminding yourself you are GOOD ENOUGH to have a
happy life and a healthy relationship. Make yourself happy, and then
share with one another.



2. Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the
difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she
agrees with you on everything. Reach mutual agreement or plan, and then
commit to it. Leave the partner if you can't reach any agreement or you
find he or she always makes excuses for breaking the agreement or plan.
If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on
time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a
monogamous relationship, keep that agreement and/or tell the truth
about any feelings you're having about someone else before you act on
them. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner,
as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.

3. Use
communication to establish a common ground to understand different
points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan.
You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful
relationship. You can't always have both. Most people argue to be
"right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and
argue to hear the other say, "Okay, you're right." If you are generally
more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy
relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that you have your
experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn
to love and share and learn from those experiences. If you can't reach
any mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you is wrong or bad,
it only means you don't suit each other.

4. Approach your
relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important
information for you to learn. For example, do you often feel 'bossed'
around in your relationship, or do you feel powerless? When a
relationship is not working, there is usually a familiar way that we
feel while in it. We are attracted to the partner with whom we can
learn the most, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship
that no longer serves us. A truly healthy relationship will consist of
both partners who are interested in learning and expanding a
relationship so that it continues to improve.



5. Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner
if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect
someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies
create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your
partner never finds out about it. The unarguable truth is about your
true feelings; your partner can argue about anything that happens
outside of you, but he or she cannot rationally deny your feelings.
Here are some examples: "I felt scared when I saw you talking to him at
the party," "I feel angry when you hang up on me," and "I felt sad when
you walked out during our fight and didn't want to be around me."

6.
Do not do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation of
reciprocation. The things you do for your partner must always be done
because you chose to do them and you wanted to do them. Do not hold
your “good deeds” over their head at a later time. Keeping score in a
relationship will never work: a person is less likely to notice and
value all the contributions of their partner as much as their own.

7.
Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the
past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your
current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual
agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit
to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn
from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign.
It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger
or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to
leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
8.Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as
you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable
behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Make sure
you don't expect your partner to fulfil every need in your life. One
person cannot be everything to you. Everybody needs love, intimacy,
affection, and affirmation, but your partner cannot alone give you all
of that. You need to get some from your friends, from your family, but
first and foremost, love yourself. Attempting to change someone else’s
mode of processing or personality style won’t work -- and will create
derailments.

9.
Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means that you
have the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true
needs. It does not mean you are to blame. There is tremendous power in
claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up
to it, and get curious about why you are jealous and how you might do
it differently next time. If you are unhappy in your relationship, get
curious about why this situation seems similar to others from your
past, and how you might create a better relationship for yourself
rather than dwell in anger or resentment or try to change your partner
instead.

10. Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst
of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate.
Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way
when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it
will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively
aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your
beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but
to talk and make it better.



11. Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right
after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you
some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she
did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after
10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain
to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they
did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask
your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk
and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help
strengthen the communication between you and your partner.

12.
Spend some quality time together- No matter how busy you two are, there
is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share
your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your
favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and
connection that you have with each other.




Tips

* Know yourself and be honest with yourself and love
yourself -- first! Only then can you truly appreciate and love someone
else.
* Take good care of yourself. Treating yourself with respect
and love is as important as respecting and loving your partner. Conduct
yourself with dignity, even if you're very familiar with one another.

* All good relationships are based upon mutual respect. If you do not
feel respect for your partner, or believe your partner is losing
respect for you, then consider ways of rebuilding it immediately.
Respect is the key. If you have true respect for one another, then
nothing can go wrong. You just have to find the right person to
respect, this is the hard part.

* Ask questions, clarify, don't
assume. Do not talk if your mind is not clear or full of anger. When
you feel hurt, do not say "you don't love me / you never loved me" or
"let's break up" or "when do you want to break up?". You will regret
one day. Tell him or her you feel hurt, and ask for clarification first.

* Treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Be gentle and
kind. Apologize if your partner feels hurt(but dont let them make you
feel bad). Apology does not mean you are bad, it only means you care.
When you are full of anger, it will surely burst out of your mouth if
you open it. Calm down first, then think it through, then try to talk.
When your partner asks to be left alone, do not blame or criticize.
Show your respect and support by give him or her the time and space to
calm down and think it through first. But do not leave any unsolved
problem for too long.

* Be the first to tell your partner, either
positive or negative. Trust is as essential as respect. If you want
your partner to trust you, trust him or her first. Letting your partner
play guessing games may lead to misunderstanding and frustration. But,
don't just tell him or her the issue, also talk about your plan to
solve it.

* Strike while the iron is cold. Know when to be
reflective and invoke principles. When the house is burning is no time
to teach fire safety principles.

* Communicate with your
partner. Without communication, there is no relationship. Stay in touch
by, for example, calling your partner even if it's just to say 'hi' and
'I love you'.

* Avoid any activity that could cause your partner
to experience doubt, suspicion or distrust - build your credibility and
earn trust and respect by always communicating truthfully and
proactively, and always keep your words. In this way, if something
happens which looks incriminating, your partner will believe you if you
claim you are innocent. Past behavior predicts future actions -
building a solid foundation of trust and integrity will take you far.
However, ultimately your life and where it takes you is more important
than your obligations to someone else. If there is trust in a
relationship, you should be able to do what you want. You aren't
responsible for making someone else jealous.

* Always make sure
to show your partner that you appreciate him/her. Whether it's calling
them to check in, say I love you, or just spend your Saturday night
together. The possibilities are endless.

* Know when to say no, and know when time and space are actually constructive tools.

*
It is not always a good idea to answer certain questions with absolute
truth if they bring emotional harm. "Do you sometimes think about your
ex?" and "do I look fat in these pants?" are both loaded questions. In
a relationship, answer questions honestly, but with tact and grace. For
example, "I think you have other pants that look better on you" is a
helpful answer, instead of simply "they don't", or "they do make you
look fat".




* Remember what you don’t do is as important as what you do.

*
Avoid flirting with others, especially previous partners or coworkers.
Doing so may spur romantic feelings for another. There is nothing wrong
with having friends of a gender you are attracted to; just keep
flirting out of the friendship.

* Tell your partner how you
really feel about your ex and why you're no longer romantically
involved. Don't ever lie or cheat on your partner, however one of those
questions it's best not to answer totally honestly is "do you still
think about your ex?" If you have fond memories, don't dwell on them,
and assure your partner that while you occasionally remember places you
went or things that happened, you are so much happier to be with your
present partner. Period. Don't launch into a rehashing of the old days
with the ex, or talk at length about the good times you had together or
things you did together.

* 'It can help to learn the difference
between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships' - That way you can see
potential problems as and when they arise (Remember - its likely you
would see something Unhealthy at some point so don't be alarmed or
shocked as there is no perfect relationship because we are all human
and fallible). If you see something Unhealthy in your relationship try
and work out why this is and see if you can work towards resolving it.




Warnings

* Keep your expectations about the relationship
realistic. Marriage should not be on your mind if you've been dating
for a week, for example. Nor should you think that the relationship is
going to solve all of your problems, or that you'll never be lonely
again, or anything like that. Relationships can be wonderful things,
but be realistic about them. Just as one can feel lonely in a crowd,
one can also feel lonely occasionally when in a relationship - that
doesn't mean the relationship is bad, it only means you're feeling a
little down. Don't ascribe too much importance to it unless these
feelings linger and begin to dominate your days and nights. If this
happens, seek help; you may be spiralling into a depression.

*
Do not assume that any one relationship will be perfect. It is human to
experience disagreements and emotional pain. Working past these issues
may be an ongoing struggle.

* Do not call it quits when you do
argue. When in a state of anger, we can not rationalize and often find
ourselves losing control by saying things we don't mean. Hang in there
and try to work it out before finalizing a break-up that you will
regret afterwards. That said, if you find you are arguing more and
more, examine the possible reasons, and talk it over together.

* There is no such thing as a PERFECT relationship. Sure, most of the
time you'll be compromising. But don't get shocked or overly depressed
because of arguments or fights. This will come for SURE. Without
arguments and fights, your relationship will NOT grow stronger.
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mr.banker
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